It was only
by mariedex
Summary: Samantha’s reaction to the end of He Said, She Said.


Title: It was only just sex.  
  
Author: Mariedex   
  
Spoilers:After HSSS.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in the story are the sole property of Hank Steinberg, Jerry Bruckheimer, and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.   
  
Rating: R for language   
  
Summary: Samantha's reaction to the end of He Said, She Said.  
  
Fuck him. Sam thought as she slammed the door to her apartment. Three months my ass. All she could think on the ride home were cuss words and various ways to disembowel Jack Malone. Three months he was separated and he never told her. Never once did he say, Oh by the way I don't live at home anymore. No it always was a kiss before gathering his coat and walking out the door.   
  
Sam screamed. She didn't know why she was so pissed. Was she angry that he didn't tell her or angry at herself for getting so upset. It was always just about sex right, nothing more. That was the problem it was not just about sex, not any more. It wasn't about not feeling lonely for that moment. It stopped being about sex a long time ago. It stopped when he didn't get up and leave right after. It stopped when they actually made plans to be together. It stopped when he started coming over every tuesday night. It stopped when he held her afterwards.   
  
Was it ever just about sex? Sam had to ask herself this as she changed out of her work clothes. Not like Jack was the best looking man in the world. If she wanted just sex there was always Keller or Dr. Fred. No, she knew that it had never been just about the sex. She had to admit that to herself. It was the way that he looked at her. The way her smile would change the expression on his face. It was the loneliness in his eyes that would fade as they explored each other. The sex part had just been a shield for Sam, it always had been. She never let herself get to close. Never. It was a rule. She was not going to get screwed by some guy. She was not going to end up like her mother. Hopelessly dependent on a man who treats you like crap. That was not love and that was not Sam. Marcus had wanted that out of her. He had wanted her to be the perfect little wife, dependent and good. No that wasn't fair, not to him. The truth was it was Sam who didn't want their marriage to work out. For some reason, the simplicity of their relationship was too hard for Sam to take. The fact that he loved her without any demands scared her. Perhaps if they had been a bit older they would have lasted. But she swore that she would never allow another guy to hurt her and up to this moment she had never broken that promise. Now Jack has.  
  
Fuck him. Sam screamed again as she walked through her kitchen looking for some semblance of food. She knew there would be nothing. She hadn't had time to go the store and grab anything. So out of habit, she called the chinese restaurant and asked for her usual. She then started going through her cabinets for any semblance of alcohol. That was what she needed, to get completed wasted tonight. To completely forget his name and his three months. But like the food there was also no alcohol. Sam would have to stop and pick that up as well.  
  
She grabbed her keys and ran out the door. As she left her building, she completely missed him walking up the street. She got some beer at the deli and picked up her order at the restaurant. That only made her more pissed. She forgot that today was Tuesday and that they usually ordered takeout on Tuesday. So her usual now included Jacks meal. she mumbled under her breath. Even the Chinese restaurant knows its more than just sex.   
  
As she walked back to her apartment, she grew more angry and more hurt. How could he have done that to her? How could he have lied? And why did that surprise her. He was lying to his wife the whole time. Maybe she just never expected him to actually leave her. Maybe she just assumed that their little thing would go as usual and nothing would rock the boat. She knew that he really did want to work it out with Marie. Jack didn't believe in divorce, he believed in seeing things through. He believed in the institution that he and Marie had entered into. Sam on the other hand thought that marriage was a crock and that the whole institution was misogynistic. Jack always said that it was because she hadn't met the right man. She always laughed at him. What a hypocrite, she thought. She hadn't met the right man. He actually said that to his mistress. She laughed. She laughed the whole way up the stairs to her apartment. She laughed until she saw him standing in her doorway. He just looked at her.  
  
She said. She was so angry at him. Disembowelment was the only option. That made her smile. She could tell by Jack's expression that he was very confused. She had just gone from hysterically laughing to staring him down and now to smiling. An image just popped into my head. That was all she was going to give him. So you want to come in? Do you want a blow job or something? She asked venomously.  
  
He whispered softly. Her comment hurt and she saw that.  
  
Bite me. Don't come here with your tail between your legs.  
  
Can we go in and talk about this?  
  
What is wrong with my hallway? Not like any of my neighbors care about how much of a whore you made. Not like they are going to run and tell MArie.  
  
Sam. Let's go inside. He took her keys from her hand and unlocked the door. He then grabbed the beer and ushered her in. He took the bear to the fridge and put it in. He then took the bag of chinese food and placed them in the oven. He did this so practically, like this was such a common thing for him. He was so used to her, Sam thought. He knew that she would be mad for a little while and then calm down. She saw him smile slightly when he placed the container with his meal in it.  
  
Apparently Little Joe's is used to you eating over on Tuesday's too. Don't worry small oversight. You won't be eating it tonight.  
  
  
  
Stop that.  
  
Stop what? He asked turning around. She was standing in the door way.  
  
Stop saying my name like that alone will make everything all right.  
  
He backed down easily. He knew that she needed to fight tonight and he was going to allow it.  
  
You are an asshole you know that.  
  
I have been told that.'  
  
Three months. Three months and it never dawned on you to tell me. Three months.  
  
You had Dr. Fred.  
  
Don't even.  
  
Don't even what. Make an excuse. What did you expect me to do?  
  
You didn't have to lie to me.  
  
I have lied a lot recently.  
  
Don't go there. I am not the reason for your infidelity. Okay I am. But I am not the one who should bear the responsibility. I am not going to wear some Scarlet A on my chest. You are the one who was married. You were the one who broke your vows. I just was a willing partner. And for three months you lied to me.  
  
What did you want me to say?  
  
That you were separated for christ sakes.  
  
Sam, she kicked me out. Three months ago. I came home late and she knew. I don't know how, but she knew. She asked me how you were and I could hardly breath. She told me to get out.  
  
Sam felt like she had just been punched in the gut, she knew. Of all the things Sam was not prepared to feel with their relationship it was guilt. She knew that someday it would happen but not today. Not like this. She never thought that Marie would find out. They had been so careful. So careful, that it almost hurt her. It was so hard for her to act like nothing was going on. To lie to Danny. To lie to her sister. To act as if she and Dr. Fred were still dating and good. And now she knew. Sam whispered. As she sat down on a kitchen chair.  
  
I don't know. The only thing I could think is that I mumbled your name one night or she followed us. But she knew and she wanted me out.  
  
You should have told me.  
  
Why? I wanted so badly to think that what we had was completely separate from my marriage. A small diversion. And then she finds out and I don't know what to think. Somehow my small diversion, my mid-life crisis or whatever this started out as was much more. Yet I have no idea what it is.  
  
  
  
Let me talk. God, Sam, do you realize the effect that you have over me. Do you realize that I get butterflies in my stomach when I touch your skin? You make me feel and that is amazing. At first I thought that it was the whole secret part of it. The trick of trying to hide everything and the explosion when we didn't have to hide. But it wasn't about that. It was never about that. Somehow I wanted to show you that you were wrong about marriage and love. In some twisted way, I wanted to save my marriage in order to show you that all men are not creeps. That your father was wrong, that Marcus was right. That you are worth having love and marriage and the whole nine yards. That you don't have to be like your mother to get that. Yet somehow I made you the antithesis of all that. I made you the reason my marriage isn't working and how could I face you after that. How could I look at you again allowing you to know that I fucked up.  
  
Sam, it was never just about the sex. It never was. Don't ever let me or any other man allow you to think that. You are much more than sex.  
  
Sam just stared at him. They sat like that for a while, just staring neither knew what to say.  
  
So where do we go from here? Sam whispered.  



End file.
